Finding the spiritual balance in my life has not been easy. It is something I strive to do every day. Some days I am able to attain it, and some days, not so much.

I wonder sometimes, do others find it easier? Are they able to keep their balance every day?

I know I always have the connection I seek, but some days I don't hear them so well. When that happens, I usually get hit over the head with a 2X4 so that I can hear them. Metaphysically speaking of course LOL

Some days, its hard to remember that "My Give a Damn's Busted" - some days its' hard to withhold the compassion and healing that I feel compelled to give those in need. Being such a strong Empath - that drive to give healing, understanding and compassion to anyone in need is so strong. And I know I cannot, CAN NOT, give that to my soon to be ex. I can no longer allow that because he does not deserve it any longer.

I see he needs it, but he does not get to receive it from me any longer. His karma is coming around already for what he's done to me, I will not interfere with that. Why should I? Why should I even care?

I don't care, actually. There is the empathic part of me that wants to reach out - but I block that, I shield that from him.

I do know I have to work on my shielding. It's not as strong as it could be, I know that.
I still do not feel comfortable in large crowds, hospitals, enclosed spaces with others.
And for Gods sake don't touch me unless I invite it. Alot of people do not understand the desire to not touch them. Not becuase I think they have "cooties" or something LOL Simply because I do not want to "feel" every emotion they are having at the time. I do not want to "know" exactly what is happening in their lives.

I want the OPTION of being able to choose what I see and feel when I meet other people.

So what does that mean? That means I MUST learn to shield better.

I knew that already. Guess I just needed to put words to paper so to speak to realize how much I am NOT shielding and how much I NEED to.

 

Ins't it interesting that when you start typing (or writing) your thoughts, you come to some startling conclusions that you thought you already knew, and yet you see them in a different way?

As the title suggests, this blog topic is UNFAIRNESS.  (be warned it's a long one)

Under ANGER there are 4 underlying emotions:  HURT, UNFAIRNESS, FRUSTRATION AND FEAR.

 

In working on my healing..I am working through these topics.  Today is unfairness as i have been experiencing that the most of this past week, and is at the top of my mind.

 

Where do i start?  from the present and go back i suppose.

It is unfair that my husband left me for another woman.  It is unfair that he broke the vows we made together, and didn't even tell me anything was wrong in our marriage.  it is unfair that he is a lier and a coward.  it is unfair that he treats me like i'm an idiot, that he knocks me off balance everytime he sees that i've found balance.  it is unfair that he ripped my heart open and rejected me.  it is unfair that he will have his great job, a new wife, a new family, a new house that he owns, while i have nothing but myself and my sons.  it is unfair that i have to fight for child support, it is unfair that i have to be ugly to get what is fair in this divorce.  it is unfair that all the years i stood by him are rewarded by rejection, discontent, disrepect, and apathy on his part towards me.  it is unfair that the house WE picked out together, that i worked hard to make a HOME for us, is now no longer a home for us, but a home for me.  it is unfair that i have to shoulder the burden of being a single mother again.  it is unfair that he will get off easy on this shit, that he will wrap himself up in his new wife, his new family and not give another thought to what he has done to me  or my sons.  it is unfair that he withdrew that love from me without ever even telling me he was losing feeling, or felt differently.  it is unfair that he involved himself with another woman and didn't back off and give me the courtesy or respect of saying "there's something here that is not making me happy, we have to work it out or i will leave."  it is unfair that he lied to me about the affair, to "spare my feelings".  it is unfair that he led me to believe that we could work it out.  it is unfair that he led me to believe it was all my fault, when he was having an affair by that point, and in fact already planning on getting married and moving out.  it is unfair that he turned into such an idiotic moronic asshole!!!!!!

its not fair that i have to do it all by myself again.  all over again.  its not fair that my sons have to lose the only stable family that they have known.  it is unfair that they lose the father figure they have known.  it is not fair that he hurts my youngest like that.

 

 

 

I am a little anxious today.  I have been staying with my sister for the past week, having much needed healing time, much needed rest and a much needed safe place.

So why am I anxious?  Because I go home tomorrow.

I miss my house, I miss my son, I miss my beloved dogs and cats - so I am ready to go home, but I know that I am going to have to fight to stay in my power, and I don't want to have to do that.  My soon to be X - can't seem to stand to see me in my power, can't stand to see me strong, independant and healing.  He always tries to knock me off balance in some way or another.  So coming home healing (not healed but healing), coming home stronger, coming home secure within my faith - that will threaten him.  so what happens when he's threatened?  We fight.  So, while I don't WANT to fight, I think I am going to have to.

That makes me mad, and it makes me sad.

The original plan was for him to stay in the house until the end of February due to financial reasons.  But I don't know if that is feasable any longer.  I may have to force the issue just to be able to continue healing myself, to continue becoming the new woman I am becoming - strong, secure, integrated, independant and loving of self.

If I force the issue, I will have to have a lawyer go to court to enforce what he has verbally agreed to previously, because if I force the issue, he will not honor his word.  No surpise there, but again, it's going to be a fight.

I'm willing to fight - I just don't want to HAVE to.

This entire thing was HIS choice, so why am I the one who has to fight?  Why am I the one who has to act like a bitch to get what he has already promised?

Why?  Well I guess because he is without honor.  So, why am I suprised?  Because I always want to think the best of others, I always want to see the best in them.

So what is this lesson I am learning?  That I am not seeing the best in him, that I am seeing him as a coward and man without honor?  what lesson lies there?

I'm not sure, will have to think about that.  Because I know there is a lesson there, and if I miss it this time, I will only have to repeat it again, and goddess knows I don't want to do that!

 

As the name says, I am healing.  It is a work in progress.  Do we ever stop healing ourselves?  I don't think we do.  I think that as we grow - we must heal different parts of ourselves that are broken, hurt, weak, off balance - what have you.

So, I am healing major areas of my life at the moment.  A Tower to be sure.  Always for the Highest Good.  But damn, it's hard.  It's hard, it's painful, it's work.

Is it worth it?

Absolutely it is worth it.  I don't know that I ever would have begun the healing process without the catalyst of my marriage ending - but I HAVE started it, I AM working on it, I WILL do this.  And what will I be once it's done?

I will be a strong, healed, integrated woman who is capable of loving herself, and allowing others to love her.  I will create a beautiful life, for myself and my sons.

So, to me, that is worth any amount of pain, discomfort, any amount of work that needs to accomplish that goal.