The past week has been difficult for me. I was not sure why exactly, only that it was a hard week. Since the divorce, i've had good days and i've had bad days, and i've had hard days. This past week was filled with hard days.
I talked with my sister yesterday and she is always one to help me figure out exactly what is at the root of my "issue" of the moment. Sometimes i feel so stupid that she has to point out the glaringly obvious (to everyone but me) to get me to see it too. She assures me that everyone needs someone to point it out, so I'm working on not feeling like an idiot. LOL
At my work, they are doing landscaping. Not a big deal right? WRONG! They had the entire large building landscaped with Trees, mature bushes (standing 6 feet or more) and flowers. They decided in the new landscaping to DIG EVERY ONE OF THOSE UP AND WOOD CHIP THEM ALL.
To say i was incensed is not even close to what i was, and still am. I am FURIOUS. They dug up the trees, bushes and flowers and other plants, pulled them out by the roots, and murdered them. Plain and simple they killed those trees, bushes, flowers and plants. I can still feel the pain, the literal screaming as they were being pulled and ripped from their Mother. The anger, the pain, the sadness i STILL feel there is palpable. it makes me so furious that humans, in their shortsightedness would KILL those living beings, to make it look "prettier". I want to scream, i want to rip and tear and burn and make them pay for the pain they inflicted on those trees.
As i type this i realize a few things. One of them is that i need to go there and heal the earth there. it is bare dirt now, they are letting it sit, for what i have no idea, but it is bare dirt now. So, i can go and heal those lingering emotions.
The other thing i realized is that those emotions are more than likely coming from the Fae that inhabited those trees and bushes. I don't know why i didn't see that before just now. I can comfort them and help them to move on to other willing and open trees, bushes, flowers, plants, etc. (now i really feel like an idiot to have not seen that). Since i work with the Fae quite often (IE: always) you would think it wouldn't have taken me weeks to realize this.
The other thing i realize is that the death of those trees and bushes, are symbolic to me personally. To be raging so hard, to be so angry and bitter and wanting to hurt those who killed thos plants, i realize part of that, is the part within me that wants to rage, to hurt, to rip and tear against the death of my marriage. I love most parts of my life, but there is still a part of me that wants to rage against the unfairness of what was done, is being done still, to me. i don't even like the man my ex husband has become, but i still am angry (apparently) which means i am still hurt. Under the anger, is hurt, unfairness. And yet, i wonder why do i still feel those things? Its been 7 months now - wouldn't you think that i'm over that? that i've worked through it?
Apparently not quite as thoughly as i thought i had. Apparently i have still more work to do on that. Gods above, i want this over with. I want to be truly FREE.
The last full moon, i had a vision/dream of running with a Wolf friend of mine, both of us in wolf form, and i cannot even put into words how FREEING that was, how peaceful, how loving, how free it was to run in the forest, as fast or as slow as we wanted, knowing we were safe as it was OUR forest. Knowing we had each other, and all that entails.
During the New Moon, I have visions/dreams of flying in my Dragon form, with my Guardians. THAT too is so freeing, so powerful - so strong and independant.
How to get those feelings into my Mundane life? How to get those traits that i know i have, that i carry into my Mundane life?
I am happy with almost all areas of my life. But yet, i am lonely. I am lonely for love that is here with me now, not somewhere else, i am lonely for companionship, i am lonely for spiritual connections, i am lonely for my family's support. And yet, i feel business is not done here, so i am not moving yet. My sister waits patiently for me to move to her, and i still feel there are things here left undone. It's not time yet. YET.
So now knowing why i am so upset about the Death of the trees, and how it relates to me, and what i can do to heal the Earth where they were murdered, how i can help the Fae who are left bruised, broken and alone, maybe that will give me the insight i need to help heal my inner self who is apparently still broken, bruised and alone.
Shit, i thought I'd done that part already.
There IS a light at the end of this tunnel no? Tell me there is, otherwise the darkness may be too alluring and i will never reach the end, and just stay within the darkness, with its comforting coolness, its cloaking lack of light, its freedom from every day things, In the darkness i don't have to be the woman who is strong and filled with light, in the darkness i can embrace the part that wants revenge, who wants to hurt, to scream, to hurl things about, who wants to bring storms down upon those who have hurt me, I can be that dark part of myself.
This work is harder than i ever imagined it would be, when does it ever end? When do i get to be who i am, truly? When do i get the chance to breathe and be free? When do i get the true love that is HERE and not THERE?
Wolf teaches me freedom, Dragon teaches me strength - maybe i need to listen more than i have been. I need both of those now.
I'm good all in all, just struggling a bit.
May your lives be filled with peace, love, happiness, and joy.
Today is a day when we honor our Mother's, whether they be by blood or by choice or The Divine Mother. Today is a day of celebration of Motherhood, a celebration of Life itself.
The day here is beautiful in Colorado, sunny and not too hot. I have my youngest son here with me, and we had a lovely breakfast. My oldest son called to wish me happy Mother's day, which was nice since he lives a few hours away and I don't get to see him as much as I would like.
Today is also the first Mother's Day since the divorce. So, in one respect it's been a little hard. I've always had friends, family, my sons, and my husband around on Mother's Day.
There are so many things in life that are going wonderfully - and yet, I am a little sad that I have no lover to share this day with. So I work to set aside that sadness and enjoy the beauty of the day, the Gifts of the Mother, The gifts that I do have in my life, which are many.
There is still a place inside of me that is lonely, that is aching for the love I know is out there - I want it HERE, with me, not out there somewhere else. Selfish I know. But the truth.
So, I do as I always do - enjoy what I DO have, and work on creating love in my life with what I can.
I wish all of you a life filled with love, peace, joy and safety.
Life is good. How many of us can say that with a true and open heart? i know I have not been able to say that for some time, in truth. I feel it now.
Not to say that I haven't been confused, not to say that I have not been lonely at times, not to say that I haven't been sad, but only to say that every day I wake up and cherish the day - and what it brings. i am always finding something within my day that makes me smile, and appreciate the world around me, and those within it.
I am learning much at the moment, many things I thought I knew, I am re-learning. Many things I never knew, I am learning. I am learning who I am, what I am - I am learning so much more than I anticipated. A unique experience, but not unexpected at this point.
I am healing, always growing and always healing. that which has caused deep scars is gently being released, and cleansed and while the scars remain to remind me - they are healing. I carry those scars within me with pride, because I survived.
I am healing, I am growing. How many have given up after going through what I have been through in my life? How many have crossed themselves over because they went through the very same things? I walked in darkness for a time - in its own way it is alluring and still calls to me at times, but I came back. I chose to grow, to learn, to heal, to move forward - to embrace the gifts the God and Goddess have given me, to embrace the God and Goddess within me.
My guides were (and still are) patient and loving, and helped me to decide to return and move forward. They guide me still, giving me strength when I feel week, providing comfort and love when i am lonely, allow me the safe, sacred place to cry when I need it.
The world is open to me now, many paths ahead for me to choose from. I wait for Guidance from the God and Goddess, and will go as they ask, for we all have the choice to listen or not. I choose to listen.
Where will that take me? What adventures await me? What love awaits me?
I do not know, and so I continue to work on my patience, all will happen as They will it, and not a moment sooner. I am ready, I am waiting and while waiting I am working on my inner self, my outer self, and I am working on accepting the fact that i AM worthy of love in my life, true love - honest love - passionate love and I am working on giving that love to myself. Many years I denied that within me, No more. many years I was forced to suppress who and what I truly was to survive, to literally live. No longer.
I live without fear for the first time in my entire life. As a child I lived with fear, as a teen i lived with fear, as a maiden i lived with fear...as a mother i lived with fear. Daily. Now, as mother, woman, Priestess, I do not live in fear. I live in strength, in power, in peace, in joy and in love.
Its not easy sometimes, but it is what i strive for on a daily basis, to live in love. Somedays it comes easy, and some days it is hard work.
I carry on....I wait....I work on ME and I let God and Goddess guide me as they will. I listen, and I move forward.
May the God and Goddess Bless you and your Loved Ones on this Ostara. May your dreams, wishes and desires bloom with the spring flower and grow to fruition to be more than you ever expected.
Sounds easy doesn't it? It surely is not, not for me anyway. So many things in my life - I have held on so tightly, afraid they would be gone if I did not clutch them to my heart. Now, I have let them go, they have fallen away - and I feel free.
For the first time that I can remember, I truly feel free. I feel strong, I feel powerful, I feel blessed, I feel happy and excited to live my life, on my terms, honestly, openly and with love, peace and joy.
I feel such relief! That I no longer have those "things" weighing me down, dragging me under - they were useless, material things, things that were hurting me and I never knew it. I could not even see it until I opened my hands and they fell away.
My son and I are fully in our new apartment, completely unpacked and settled, and we LOVE it! Its smaller than our huge beloved house, but it is perfect for us, cozy and warm, peaceful and filled with love. We have created the sacred space we desired, and it is truly "home". I love coming home, I love the energy I have created here, I love the sacredness I have created, this safe place that is filled with love - truly filled with love.
What more could you ask for than to come home to a place that is truly home, a place that is filled with love? that has none of the negative energy that drama and strife bring?
Well I can think of one more thing to ask for........ but again, I let go and let Goddess and She will do as She wills.
May you and your loved ones be healthy, prosperous, safe and loved,
I read the last post I made, and I realize - I am no longer in that space. thank the gods for that!
My son and I have moved into our 2 bedroom apartment, and we totally love it! We are about 80% unpacked, and I plan to finish that this weekend. My ex is being a good father to our son, better than he was when we were married. I do not know how long that will last for my son, but really I will deal with it, when and if it happens. I will not borrow trouble - my son is happy, he is blossoming under the love and attention he is getting from his dad and from me. What more can I ask for with him?
As for myself? I am happy, I am content, I have a great job that i love, i have an apartment that I love, we have food, we have shelter, we have transportation, and I am not concerned about finances. I should be, but I am not. Everytime I ask the Divine, I hear "it will be perfect". So, I look within myself and find that there is no concern there. So I know that one way or another, things will go as they will, all I have to do is what I am doing now - working, taking care of myself and my son, and moving on.
I have also come to realize, i truly do NOT know who my ex is any longer. He is not the man i married, i do not know who/what he is now. I don't even think that I like who he is now. I do miss the man i married, but that man is gone, no longer exists. So the sadness is only grief over losing that man. But i also accept that he is no longer there, in any capacity. He has changed so much, I do not even recognize him.
So, in that vein, I move forward. I extend my desire to the Universe to find those who will be true companions to me, and that I can be a true companion to as well. I work to love myself so that others can love me as well. I work to accept myself and who I am becoming so that others can do that as well. I work to pamper myself, to truly give myself what I need so that others will do that as well. i work to cherish myself so that others will be able to cherish me. I work to honor myself and be true to myself so that others can do that as well.
At times, I am lonely still. At times, I miss the sharing of lives that you have with someone you care about. I miss the attention, the love, the touch of another who cherishes you, who accepts you, who loves you. I miss the talking to another who truly understands and honors themselves and those they are with. I miss the physical sharing with another who cares for me , who loves themselves and who would care for, cherish and love me. I am worthy of respect, worthy of love, worthy to be cherished and honored, and I will not accept anything less than that. So I work on myself and I work on being patient (not ever one of my strong suits LOL) and know that love will come when it comes.
I am a strong, powerfull woman. I am truly a child of the Goddess, I serve Her and She is strong within me. I deserve a mate who can accept that, honor that, support that, and not be afraid of that. Not beat that down. Not deny that. Who understands that.
So, I work on myself, my son, my patience, and I wait.
